Utter disappointment

I thought you were what I needed, what I wanted; you proved me wrong.

 

Always being the one who puts forth the effort has never been so sour. I’ve never felt so belittled before – it’s kind of frightening. This entire time, I’ve been led on to think that a boy who is completely out of my league had some interest in me. Obviously not.

 

It’s not like we were official or anything, but it gets kind of old having the same conversations over and over again. And when he wouldn’t speak to me, I felt like it was necessary to see what was going on in his life when I should’ve been concerned with what is going on in mine.

 

Being vulnerable and fragile has never been a good look on me. Having someone take care of me has never been quite satisfying. But if you aren’t going to put forth any effort, why the hell would I?

 

So, I think it’s time to say goodbye, Sky. Thanks for making me feel like I had a chance when you knew the entire time that I didn’t. I really appreciate it.

 

x

Finally letting go.

Finally letting go.

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Talking to the moon

Sometimes at night, my mind doesn’t stop thinking. Old memories bubble up the surface, scars are reopened, words are said again. I find comfort in staring out at the moon because I don’t feel as lonely. It’s almost as if the moon understands me; the moon is accompanied by billions of stars, but they’re so far away. So ultimately, the moon is pretty lonely as well. But something that inspires me is during the day, the sun shines. But at night, it provides enough light so that the moon can shine as well. Now to me, that’s love.

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I’m a mermaid.

I’ve been kind of quiet lately. But! I’ve gone through a lot these past few days. Like, I’m a mermaid now.

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Haha! I got a life proof case for my iPhone and I took it under water with me today while swimming.
And I think I get the award for tannest ginger. Just saying.

You know, I kind of want to work at disney world and just be Ariel for the rest of my life.

It could work.

Smile while you still have teeth

This might sound absolutely cheesy, but this morning, I was listening to a radio station that I normally don’t listen to. They were playing all sorts of genres of music, but it started playing, “Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now,” by the Smiths. And I haven’t heard that song in such a long time, so I just sat back and absorbed the words and the lyrics.

And it made me realize that I don’t need to make everyone happy. Why would I smile at someone if they won’t even take the time out of their day to look at me? Why should I care about someone who doesn’t even want to get to know me?

Then that brought up another thing: caring about people who do not share the same feelings has been pretty much all I’ve done my entire life. I care about people who couldn’t give two shits about me… and it makes me sad. Why get all worked up over someone who doesn’t want to get to know me? I guess at the time, it’s sort of a, “He’ll change for me,” kind of thing.

Newsflash to myself and to anyone who is/was in my position: They. Won’t.

So, do yourself a favorite and just S M I L E and get over it. Move on to better things.

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Wonderwall

Intensify It

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Our bodies brushed together. I was getting closer and closer, not because I wanted him but because I didn’t want myself. For a while I remembered what it’s like to be young and scared and wanting so badly to give yourself away, because you don’t know what to with all that’s been given to you. You do it with eyes wide shut and a burning desire to never get yourself back. There I was again, trying to negotiate my peace of mind with a stranger since God, who has, at this point, turned into some sort of business partner – I’ll be a good girl, just please make this and that come true – seemed to have run out of it.

His grip got tighter as the minutes and our acquaintances passed by. His body was cold, his breath smelled of alcohol and mint and his skin, of cologne. My senses returned…

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